Just Keep Breathing
by KiraSerket
Summary: Kenma reaches a breaking point (Self-Harm but only in the first chapter)
1. When these Walls don't feel like Home

I wrote this while i was having an episode and i figured kenma could relate to it  
listen to Come as you are by crowder , i'm not all that into religious music but this song helped inspire me.

Disclaimer:

Don't do what kenma does toward the end. It never ends pretty, try and find other outlets

Not beta'd so excuse the mistakes

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm

* * *

When Kenma woke up, he felt off. Something was wrong. A sense of dread filled him, an inky black feeling like sludge seemed to be inhabiting his chest but he couldn't figure out why it was there. He layed in bed for a couple more minutes, trying to breath through the his nose and relax, pushing it away. After a while, he seemed to have calmed down and got up, checking the time. 7:30. He had about forty-five minutes to shower and eat before having to leave.

Time seemed to go by slow, but the unknown feeling he had experienced seem to be going away so that was good. The walk to school was short since he lived close; his usual companion, kuro, had to go in earlier to take a test he missed because he was sick that day but that was fine.

By the time kenma reached the gates, he was feeling significantly better. The first three classes seemed to pass by fast, contrary to the slow time earlier. He answered questions when asked, turned in his homework, and avoided everyone. It looked like today was gonna be just like any other day.

But everything went downhill by the time lunch came around.

The feeling he had in the morning gradually returned as the minutes passed. By the time lunch was over, kenma was a mess. He couldn't couldn't concentrate in the fourth class. The inky sludge like feeling kept rising up and no amount of breathing could calm him down. He kept clenching and unclenching his hand, needing to **grab** something, **do** something with his hands.

In the last class, it took everything kenma had not to bolt up out of his seat and run or curl up into a ball. A weird buzzing feeling started in his chest, increasing as time went on. He just had to grit his teeth and bear it.

When the school day was over, kenma quickly rushed out. His hands were shaking badly and his breathing was labored but he couldn't go home yet, he still had to go to volleyball practice.

It was an optional practice since today was supposed to be the day the team relaxes but he figures that if he didn't go then Lev was gonna blow up his phone or worse, come over to his house and he'd rather avoid that.

The way to the gym was the longest walk kenma had ever experienced. Each step he took made the roaring in his ears get louder and the buzzing in his chest got worse, as if there were balls bouncing around at high speed trying to escape.

As kenma reached the forward to open the gym doors, the sound of volleyballs hitting the floor and people laughing stopped him. He couldn't do it. He couldn't open the door.

The awful feeling in him finally burst through.

A sob escaped his mouth and kenma ran home instead. He ran and ran as fast as he could, trying to muffle the sobs escaping him and the painful feeling of his heart being squeezed. When he finally made it home, he locked the front door then ran up to his room locking that door too. His parents weren't gonna be home until late at night but he didn't want to be disturbed in case someone did show up.

Kenma leaned on his door, school bag sagging off of his shoulder until he let it drop, trying to catch his breath. He slid to the floor; breathing turning into sobs yet no tears came out , only silent cries

He was overwhelmed, he couldn't breath. Kenma took off his school sweater but it didn't help. Then he started clawing at his throat, trying to let his voice out but it didn't work. Everything was too much for him, he couldn't think properly; the feeling of loneliness, depression, had built up since the last time he let it out and it was taking over him; wanting to get out from his body but it was trapped.

He needed help.

Kenma sat up and ruffled through his bag until he found his phone.

He needed kuroo.

He scrolled through his contact list until he reached the number. _Kuro will help me, He'll know what to do_ kenma thought. But just as he was about to push the call button, he stopped

"I can't bother him, he's at tsukishima's with Bokuto and Akaashi practicing." He said to himself, remembering what his friend had told him the day before.

"I can't keep bothering him, he always takes care of me even when he's busy. He must think i'm useless and pathetic, always needing help and he'll eventually get sick of it and leave me. He deserves better friends who aren't annoying." He continued, voice breaking. Another thought hit him

 _Hinata_ his mind whispered to him, trying to help. Kenma shook his head at that. "I can't call shouyou, what right do i have to involve him in my mess. I can't burden him too." Kenma wailed.

He threw his phone at the wall, it bounced off and fell on the bed in front of him. His depression started choking him again; wanting to escape but there wasn't an exit.

 _Under the bed_ the treacherous part of his mind told him. The other side screeched at him to stop, _don't do it_ the sensible half of his warned him but kenma ignored it and crawled over to his bed, reaching under and pulling out a box.

He opened it and and looked at the metal that was in there, it looked like it was shining, inviting him to pick it up. He hesitated. He remembered that he promised not to open this box again.

 _It'll feel better_ the treacherous voice whispered. Kenma obeyed.

He stripped the lower half of his uniform until he was down to his lifted the metal blade out of the box, it felt cold, and looked down at his thighs; they were covered in scars.

He hesitantly placed the edge of the razor to his skin and pressed down, pulling it back. He watched as a red line appeared and a couple of red drops fell down.

The feeling in his chest slowly started disappearing. His throat didn't feel clogged anymore and real sobbs emerged, tears finally leaking out and falling down his face. Every cut with the blade made him feel better, it helped release everything that had built up in him.

He repeated the action twice more then did the same to the other thigh until he had six new scars in total. The inside of his thighs were a red mess.

After staying like that for a couple more minutes, kenma finally calmed down and got up. He unlocked the door and made his way to the bathroom, When his cuts were properly cleaned and bandaged, kenma returned to his room; putting the razor back in it's box and hiding it under his bed again.

He was tired now, his episode drained him physically and emotionally and all kenma wanted to do was go to sleep.

He took off the rest of his uniform, picking up what he had discarded on the ground, and put it away in his dresser. He pulled out shorts and a t-shirt, putting them on then getting into bed.

Kenma picked up his phone and placed it on the nightstand next to him after he put on the playlist he uses after his episode is over.

He briefly wondered what the team was gonna say about him not showing up to practice (he grimaced at that,not putting it past Lev to run over to his house to fetch him but knowing that yaku would stop the giant made him feel better) until he was lulled to sleep by the sound of raindrops coming from his phone.


	2. Remember that You're not Alone

listen to Just Keep Breathing by We Three Kings for this chapter

* * *

The next day kenma was feeling better. He had let out all the emotions that were bundled up inside so he didn't have to worry about accidentally breaking down in front of the team.

Everything had built up; his fears that kuroo would leave him when he made a new friend, the pressure of having to train the new kid lev and interact with him, it was all too much.

But now he was ok. Although, kenma wasn't looking forward to getting pestered by his team or kuroo. Even though he wasn't at practice, the team was sure to have informed their captain about their setters disappearance. Ugh, fantastic.

Kenma didn't want to deal with that.

He spent the entire school day avoiding his team as much as he could. Lev and Inuoka was easy, he just went in the opposite directions whenever he saw the tall students. Fukunaga and yamamoto were a little bit trickier since they were in the same year but they were probably gonna question him together so it was easier for kenma to avoid them since yamamoto was loud; it gave them away and let him escape.

The third years though were a different matter. They knew kenma pretty well so it was harder to hide but they were pretty busy this time of the year so he was safe.

Although if he was honest with himself, kenma preferred for the third years to look for him. They knew that he has depression. But that didn't stop them from still being friends with him.

The others didn't know. Kenma was afraid it would make them uncomfortable around him so he didn't want anyone else to know.

He was just going to have to use the excuse that his mom needed him home for something yesterday when they questioned him at practice today.

Kuroo's POV

Kuroo's not dumb.

He knows something was wrong after he came back from practicing with tsukishima and the two owls and visited the gym to check up on the team.

Most of the club members were practicing while the regulars, mainly lev and Inuoka, were saying something in frightened voices.

"Aren't you guys supposed to be practicing, not standing around like a bunch of lost cats."Kuroo said making his way over to them. At the sound of his voice, the regulars turned their heads to stare at him.

"CAPTAIN!" Lev yelled, "There's something wrong with Kenma-san! He didn't' show up today! Maybe he got lost or worse! They kidnapped him!" Crazy scenarios running through his mind.

Kuroo arched his brow at the tall boy then looked over at the others.

"We haven't seen him, i mean we saw him in class earlier but he didn't come to practice." yamamoto explained to kuroo.

"When i saw him in class, he looked off, like something was wrong but we haven't heard anything about him going home sick." Fukunaga added.

At that kuroo looked at the other third years sharply, a silent conversation transpiring amongst them. The other players noticed it and stood still waiting for them to explain. Yaku spoke up first.

"Kuroo, kai and I might know why kenma's not here."

They waited for him to elaborate but yaku didn't say anything else.

"So, tell us then". Yamamoto said.

The third years looked at each other again, conflicted.

"It's not that we don't wanna tell you . . " kai started.

"Buts it's something that kenma prefers to keep a secret" yaku finished.

"If we can help kenma-san then shouldn't we be aware of it. He's our teammate, if he's struggling with something we should help him with it. We can't help fix something if we don't know the problem." Lev said.

Everyone stared at him, some of them even had their mouths open in shock.

"Who the hell are you and what have you done to Lev?" Yamamoto said, looking at lev as if he were an alien.

"So you can be smart from time to time." yaku added.

Lev pouted, whining about how mean they were.

Kuroo chuckled at that, maybe these guys should know.

"Alright, if you guys wanna know and help, i'll tell you."

The second and first years look happy but the other two third years give him a look.

"Are you sure we should do that without kenma's permission." Kai asked kuroo, yaku nodded his head.

"It's fine, they want to help. I'll take the blame though when kema gets made" he tells them then turns to the other regulars. "And if you guys end up hurting kenma, i won't kick you off the team, but i will find a way to punish you that barely borders on being legal." The second and first years look terrified at the face kuroo makes and nod their heads quickly in understandment.

"Good. Now then, to start off, kenma has depression, i'm sure you guys have heard of it in health class right." They nod their heads in confirmation and kuroo continues.

"That's why kenma usually seems apathetic. It's not that he doesn't have emotions, he just feels too much. Puts too much pressure on himself. And he keeps it all bottled up till he breaks. He's also not good interacting with new people. They make him nervous, he thinks they're gonna judge him." At that Lev looks distraught because he knows that last part was meant for him.

"That doesn't mean kenma doesn't like you Lev, but with all the pressure he's received from coach and others to train you makes it hard on him." Kuroo tells Lev.

"Plus the pressure to make it to the Spring High also adds to it. Kenma thinks he's not that good of a player so he'll be the one to drag the team down. He probably feels overwhelmed and took today off to calm down."

The gym falls silent. The other club members had already left halfway through Kuroo's speech leaving the regulars alone. Yaku and Kai watch and wait for their Kouhais' reactions..

"Then tomorrow we should do something for kenma!" Yamamoto states. Everybody agrees.

"Before practice starts, we should bring him to the gym and let him know we're here for him so he doesn't have to feel alone!" Inuoka says

"We'll bring kenma-san his favorite treats and sit with him, make him feel better!" Lev adds. The first and second years start planning what they're gonna do while the third years look at them in fondness and relief.

"I'm so glad that went well. I don't know what i would have done if someone had retracted bad." Yaku tells kuroo and kai, his motherly instincts showing at the thought of one of his teammate being ostracized. Kai nods in agreement.

Kuroo looked at his team in amazement. Ever since they were kids, he felt like he wouldn't have been able to give kenma all the support he needed. It was even worse when they got to highschool and their seniors at the time bullied kenma. When yaku and kenma become aware of kenma's depression after a nasty episode where he broke down, kuroo was glad that there was two more people to help kenma. But in the back of his mind there was still worry when the seniors left and the current team came Would they also treat kenma badly. But seeing them make plans to make kenma feel better filled kuroo with joy. Now even after him, yaku and kai graduate, there's still gonna be someone there to take care of kenma.

"Then it's settled, bring kenma before practice starts, whoever gets to him first, text everyone else so we're not all running around looking." Kuroo addresses the team. After a couple more minutes they clean up the gym and leave, beginning preparations for tomorrow.

Normal POV

No one had been able to get ahold of kenma. Inuoka spotted him a couple of times but kenma always disappeared before he could reach him.

School was already over and they were all worried that kenma was going to go home again. Yamamoto decided to text the third years since they seem to know kenma better and could track him down.

Said person was currently making his way out of the school towards the gym when he spotted kuroo leaning against the school gates. At first kenma felt relief at seeing his friend but when he remembered what he did yesterday terror seized him. Kuroo spotted him but before he could take a step, kenma ran to the back of the school.

As he rounded a corner, yaku was waiting for him. Kuroo was behind him and when kenma turned again, kai was beside him, we was cornered.

"Kenma, what's wrong, why did you run?" Kuroo asked him, worry reflecting in his face.

"Nothings wrong." Kenma mumbled, lowering his head and letting his hair hide his face.

"Bullshit, we know you skipped practice yesterday." Yaku stated softly not wanting to scare the teen.

Panic filled kenma. He crossed his arms, hugging his torso for comfort.

"It's ok kenma, were not mad at you. You probably felt overwhelmed with l the pressure of the spring high. It's totally fine that you took a day off to relax, no one blames you." Said kai.

At that kenma looked up but kept his eyes averted.

"I didn't skip because of that." He stated. They looked at him curiously but waited for him to continue.

"I just-um, well . . . kuro upset me." Kenma finally said. Kai looked at kuroo as did yaku, although he glared more than stared. Kuroo, for his part, looked bewildered. What did he do to upset his friend.

"Then we'll leave you two to talk." Yaku stated and walked away with kai. Now it was just kenma and kuroo behind the school.

"What did i do to upset you kitten?" He asked kenma, falling back on the pet name he called the other when it was just them.

"You didn't do anything, not really." Kenma said, hugging himself more. "It's just when we were at the training camp, you seemed to be having a lot of fun with bokuto and akaashi, you even befriended that scary blonde from karasuno. That didn't upset me though, i'm glad that you're making more friends. It's just that i felt like i was getting left behind." His voice caught on the last word. Kuroo took a step forward but kenma shook his head and stepped back.

"But didn't weren't you with shorty, practicing with him." He said to kenma.

"But i couldn't keep up with him. I'm not a good enough setter to give him the tosses he needed. And i didn't really wanna practice, i just wanted to hang with you but you were always busy so we didn't have the time. Shoyo's my friend but he's not you," Kenma replied.

'When the training camp ended, i kept thinking about how much fun you had with them. How much better it'd be if you hung out with them more and leave me. It's gonna happen soon after all, who'd wanna stay with me." He looked ready to cry.

"Yesterday was what sent you over the edge, because you felt like i was leaving you."Kuroo guessed. "And you didn't call me while you were having an episode because you didn't wanna burden me."

Kenma nodded, folding into himself with every word said.

Kuroo tried stepping forward again but kenma still retreated. Fear filled him, there was something else kenma had to say.

"I also broke our promise." He whispered.

Kuroo looked confused for a couple of seconds until he remembered. The promise to stop- oh. At that kuroo stepped forward for a third time and when kenma didn't budge, he wrapped him up in a hug, stroking his hair to soothe him.

"It's fine kitten. Like i said, i'm not mad. We all have our bad days, some worse than others. This just happened to be a really bad day for you. As long as you pick yourself back up and continue doing your best to resist it's fine. You didn't give in easily, you fought hard until it wore you down. Just keep fighting it." He said into kenma's hair. Then he pulled back and gently lifted kenma's head and waited for kenma to look at him in the eyes.

"I'm never gonna leave you. You'll always be by my side. Even if we meet new people, i'll always be there for you no matter what. So don't hesitate to call me, i'll drop whatever i'm doing for you. You're important to me, don't forget that." Kuroo kissed kenma's forehead then pulled him back into the hug, kissing the top of his head a couple of times. Kenma smiled into kuroo's chest and unwrapped his arms from himself and put them around kuroo.

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes.

"As much as i want to stay here with you, we need to go to the gym, there's a surprise waiting for you." He told kenma.

Kenma didn't say anything but followed kuroo as they made their way to the gym. Kenma stopped in his tracks.

In the middle of the room stood the nekoma team, smiles on their faces and holding something behind their backs.

Kenma hesitated before walking towards them, kuroo following behind. Fukunaga spoke first.

"Kenma . . . . we know."

Kenma looked puzzled; then realization dawned on him. He jerked, bumping into kuroo who had placed himself behind the setter incase he tried to run

" And we want you to know that we're here for you." Inuoka said.

"So if you want to take a break sometimes from practicing because you're tired, then let me know and i'll go bother yaku." Lev exclaimed. Yaku huffed at that.

"And if something's bothering you, i'll beat them up and if it's your emotions, then i'll beat them up too for makin ya sad. Or i'll beat up lev to make you feel better even if he didn't do anything." Yamamoto said.

"So don't be sad kenma-san. Cheer up because we care about you and we wanna see you happy. If you ever feel down again, come to us. We wanna help you and we'll do the best we can." Lev said.

Kenma looked at his teammates in astonishment. Then he smiling with tears streaming down his face and small sobs coming out. At first the team was scared that they upset him but then they saw his smile.

"Thank you." Kenma said. He was happy that his team cared for him. This was better than any present he'd ever gotten.

"This little love fest isn't over though." Kuroo told him. "Isn't there something you guys wanna give kenma" The players brought their hands out from behind there backs and held out a container each. Some of the containers had apple pie while the others had mochi.

"Everyone wanted to give you something and what better present than your favorite snack."Kai told kenma.

"And you're gonna enjoy your present as u sit down on the bleachers and watch us. You're not playing until you're 100% better. Today is a recuperate and relax day for you." Yaku said, steering kenma to the bleachers and sitting him down. Everyone followed and placed the food next to him.

"Thank you." kenma said again.

As the team walked off to get practice started since the other members started coming, kenma stopped kuroo.

He didn't say anything, just grabbed kuroo's hand hard then let go. Kuroo didn't need words to understand what just happened. He bent over and ruffled then walked towards the others.

Kenma was really glad he was apart of this team. He may not like volleyball all that much; but with teammates like these, he dislikes it a little less.


End file.
